Summary
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Act I
The morning-room at Marden House (Buckinghamshire) decided more than a hundred years ago that it was all right, and has not bothered about itself since. Visitors to the house have called the result such different adjectives as "mellow," "old-fashioned," "charming"–even "baronial" and "antique;" but nobody ever said it was "exciting." Sometimes Olivia wants it to be more exciting, and last week she rather let herself go over some new curtains; she still has the rings to put on. It is obvious that the curtains alone will overdo the excitement; they will have to be harmonized with a new carpet and cushions. Olivia has her eye on just the things, but one has to go carefully with George. What was good enough, for his great-great-grandfather is good enough for him. However, we can trust Olivia to see him through it, although it may take time.
A scene plot is given at the end of the play.
There are three ways of coming into the room: by the open windows leading from the garden, by the doors to R., or by the staircase from up R, Mr. Pim chooses the latter way–or rather Anne chooses it for him; and Mr. Pim kindly and inoffensively follows her. She comes down steps and crosses to C., followed by Mr. Pim.
Anne (moves up, looking off L. and returning to Pim R.C.). I'll tell Mr. Marden you're here, sir. Mr. Pim, isn't it?
Pim (nervously). Yes–er–Mr. Pim–Mr. Carraway Pim. He doesn't know me, you understand, but if he could just spare me a few moments–er—(He fumbles in his pockets.) I gave you that letter?
Anne. Yes, sir, I'll give it to him.
Pim (brings out a stamped letter which is not the one he was looking for, but which reminds him of something else he has forgotten. Looking at letter). Oh! Dear me!
Anne. Yes, sir?
Pim. Dear me. I ought to have posted this. (Looking at letter.) Oh, well, I must send a telegram. You have a telegraph office in the village?
Anne. Oh, yes, sir. (Moving up to terrace up L. and pointing off L.) If you turn to the left when you get outside the gates, it's about a hundred yards down the hill. Turn to the left and down the hill.
Pim. Turn to the left and down the hill. Thank you, thank you. Very stupid of me to have forgotten.
(Anne exits up staircase R.)
(Mr. Pim wanders about the room humming to himself, and looking at the pictures and photos on piano. Then goes out at window up L.) (Dinah enters from staircase up R. dancing, and humming the air of "Down on the Farm:" she is nineteen, very pretty, very happy, and full of boyish high spirits and conversation. She dances to foot of stairs, looks off R., then down C., then to piano; sits and plays a few bars and sings "Down on the Farm," rises and moves up to R. of piano, and as she does so Pim re-enters from window up L. and they come suddenly face to face up back C. below the writing-table. There is a slight pause.)
Dinah (backing a step). Hullo!
Pim. You must forgive me, but... Good morning, Mrs. Marden.
Dinah. Oh, I say, I'm not Mrs. Marden. I'm Dinah.
Pim (with a smile). Then I will say, Good morning. Miss Diana.
Dinah (reproachfully). Now, look here, if you and I are going to be friends, you mustn't do that. Dinah, not Diana. Do remember it, there's a good man, because I get so tired of correcting people. (Moving down C. to B.) Have you come to stay with us? (Sits on settee R.)
Pim (following her down). Well, no, Miss–er–Dinah.
Dinah (nodding). That's right. I can see I shan't have to speak to you again. Now tell me your name, and I bet you I get it right first time. And do sit down.
Pim (crossing to L. and sitting on settee L.). Thank you. My name is–er–Pim, Carraway Pim–
Dinah. Pim, that's easy.
Pim. And I have a letter of introduction to your father–
Dinah (rising and crossing to R. of table L.C. and speaking across same). Oh, no; now you're going wrong again, Mr. Pim. George isn't my father; he's my uncle. Uncle George–he doesn't like me calling him George. Olivia doesn't mind–I mean she doesn't mind being called Olivia, but George is rather touchy. (Sitting on table, facing Pim.) You see, he's been my guardian since I was about two, and then about five years ago he married a widow called Mrs. Telworthy.
Pim (repeating). Mrs. Telworthy.
Dinah. That's Olivia–so she became my Aunt Olivia, only she lets me drop the Aunt. (Speaking very sharply.) Get that?
Pim (a little alarmed). I–I think so, Miss Marden.
Dinah (admiringly). I say, you are quick, Mr. Pim. Well, if you take my advice, when you've finished your business with George, you will hang about a bit and see if you can't see Olivia. (Rising and moving C.) She's simply–(feeling for the word)–devastating. I don't wonder George fell in love with her.
(Moving to above piano R., looking at photos, etc.)
Pim (rising and looking at his watch and coming C.). It's only the merest matter of business–just a few words with your uncle–Perhaps I'd better...
Dinah (looking at photo on top end of piano). Well, you must please yourself, Mr. Pim. I'm just giving you a friendly word of advice. Naturally, I was awfully glad to get such a magnificent aunt. (Moving down to L. of piano and taking up and looking at photo of Olivia.) Because, after all, marriage is rather a toss up, isn't it?–
Pim (taken aback). Well, I don't, know, I haven't had any experience...
Dinah (continuing). And George might have gone off with anybody. (Moving to Pim.) It's different on the stage, where guardians always marry their wards, but George couldn't marry me because I'm his niece. Mind you, I don't say that I should have had him, because, between ourselves, he's a little bit old-fashioned.
Pim. So he married–er–Mrs. Marden instead.
Dinah. Mrs. Telworthy–don't say you've forgotten already, just when you were getting so good at names. Mrs. Telworthy. (Moves to and sits on settee R.) You see, Olivia married the Telworthy man and went to Australia with him, and he drank himself to death in the bush, or wherever you drink yourself to death out there, and Olivia came home to England, and met my uncle, and he fell in love with her and proposed to her–(rises and kneels on settee)–and he came into my room that night–I was about fourteen–and turned on the light and said, "Dinah, how would you like to have a beautiful aunt of your very own?" (Pim laughs.) And I said: "Congratulations, George." (Pim laughs again.) That was the first time I called him George. Of course, I'd seen it coming for weeks. Telworthy, isn't it a funny name?
Pim. Oh, a most curious name–Telworthy. From Australia, you say?
Dinah. Yes, I always say that he's probably still alive, and will turn up here one morning and annoy George.
Pim (shocked). Oh!
Dinah. But I'm afraid there's not much chance.
Pim (shocked). Miss Marden! Really!
Dinah, Well, of course, I don't really want it to happen, but it would be rather exciting. (Crossing to Pim.) Wouldn't it, Mr Pim?
Pim. Exciting!
(Pim crosses to below settee L.)
Dinah. However, things like that never seem to occur down here, somehow, (Running up into window up R. Pim watches her.) There was a hayrick burnt last year about a mile away, but that isn't the same, is it?
Pim. No, I should say that that was certainly different.
Dinah (coming to back of table L.C.). Of course, something very, very wonderful did happen last night. (Backing away.) No, no! I'm not sure if I know you well enough–(She looks at him hesitatingly.)
Pim (uncomfortably). Really, Miss Marden, you mustn't. I am only a–a passer-by, here to-day and gone to-morrow. You really mustn't–
Dinah (looking round and earning down to Pim), And yet there's something about you, Mr. Pim, which inspires confidence.
Pim (moving to L.). Oh, no. Really, you mustn't tell me.
Dinah (taking his arm). The fact is–(in a stage whisper)–I got engaged last night!
Pim. Dear me, let me congratulate you. I wish somebody would come here.
Dinah (running up to foot of staircase up R. and looking off), I expect that's why George is keeping you such a long time. (Turning to Pim.) Brian, my young man, the well-known painter–only nobody has ever heard of him–he's smoking a pipe with George in the library and asking for his niece's hand. (Coming back to Pim, and taking his hands, she dances round with him in a circle.)
(Pim falls exhausted and coughing on to settee L. and Dinah laughing sits on settee R.)
Dinah. Isn't it exciting? You're really rather lucky, Mr. Pim–I mean being told so soon. Even Olivia doesn't know yet.
Pim. Yes, yes, I congratulate you, Miss Marden. Perhaps it would be better–(About to get up.)
(Anne comes in from staircase up R. She comes to C.)
Anne. Mr. Marden is out at the moment, sir–
Dinah (disappointed). Oh!
Anne (seeing Dinah). Oh, I didn't see you, Miss Dinah!
Pim. Out! Eh? Dear! Dear!